


He ... him

by Anonymous



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 镇魂 | Guardian (TV) RPF
Genre: Longing, M/M, Not Beta Read, Pining, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24198793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: There were words he could not say despite how much he had been saying them again and again...or for short, here are the inner ramblings of one Zhu Yilong.
Relationships: Bai Yu/Zhu Yilong
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26
Collections: Anonymous





	He ... him

**Author's Note:**

> A very self-indulgent fic based on an interview and that Tom Ford perfume

He loves him. 

The man with a smile so bright he could cheer up everyone inside the room. The man with eyes clear and true that he could not help himself but look, stare at him and hope that he could spare a glance this way. Share that brightness with him for as long as time would allow them to be together. 

He loves the man who had easily entered his personal space and settled in it. Whose presence brought so much joyful noise and animation in his supposed peaceful little circle. The same circle, the same walls, he easily tore down to claim that space as if that was where he had always belonged. 

He did not know when it happened but despite the walls crumbling down too fast, too soon, he had found himself in a position where he had let him just do whatever he wanted. At his side. In such proximity that he was convinced was still allowed. 

_ Of what was allowed.  _

Because touching him burned. Like the sun bright and burning, he too should always be at a distance away. Because if they craved for more than the touch of hands, it would be considered a scandal. 

But how scandalous was he to make him laugh, to frustrate him, to provoke him... to make him fall — 

  
  


_ There are people watching.  _

Always, watching...

...and his hands would shake at the thought of more and more eyes on him. 

Those eyes scare him.

  
  


He would remove his contact lenses to not let anything distract him when he was doing a scene. To focus on what he should be. To clear the distractions and fight the anxiety those eyes brought to him. 

It was ironic really and he chortled at the thought: to always stand in front of many people and yet be scared to be seen at the same time.

Except maybe if it were Bai Yu’s eyes. He wouldn’t mind it.

Because when it was him, he never felt fear.

So to be able to see him — the man he had allowed to be so close, and be swallowed into the world they had created for their own, that was quite… nice.

  
  
  
  
  


He had tried to escape the word that described all these yearnings inside his chest. He had only seen the word in novels he read and scripts he memorized and had observed the emotion in the numerous shows he watched and of the people he studied. But during the time he had spent with him, somehow that was the only word that would be fit to describe the feeling in his chest. 

He somehow had fallen— 

He had — 

  
  


_ He had a girlfriend.  _

  
  
  


And it would be wrong to pursue, wrong to assume. He might literally get in trouble if he continued to think about him in any other way but professionally. So he just smiled and looked at him from where he was, from a distance, from afar, from behind the screen. 

His closest, most trusted friends had told him, that this was dangerous. 

That those feelings were good in front of the camera but could cost him everything if he let it reek and consume him off-screen. "I know it's dangerous. Why else would I talk to you about it instead of just messaging you?" 

_ More eyes. _

Their world was full of eyes and ears of the friendly and the unfriendly. It was not like he was avoiding scandal. He was avoiding something bigger, like maybe prison or death. 

"You think too much. They wouldn't kill you." 

"I personally do not want to test that theory." 

  
  


* * *

  
  


"May I still wear this ring?" He insisted when the stylist told him that they'll be moving to another set of outfits. The stylist agreed nicely. 

He smiled as someone helped him out of the layers of clothes. He did not want to remove the ring. 

This was Bai Yu's ring, this was their memory. 

* * *

  
  


"Roses?" 

"Yes. Roses if you may?" He asked, hoping his smile would convince the director to incorporate roses in their photoshoot. 

Even just holding a rose would be fine. 

He just wanted him to know that he was still thinking of him. Despite being far away from each other. Despite being unable to message each other because of their schedule. Despite...

"I think we can add a rose or two."

"Ah. Thank you." The smile worked as usual. 

* * *

Zhu Yilong laughed at the coincidence to endorse a scent called 'Rose Prick'. It even came with this description in English: 

[The danger of being so close to beauty heightens the seductive power of Rose Prick]

_ Seductive power indeed!  _ So he was seduced? That would certainly explain this feeling that even now, even after not seeing each other for a while, still felt heavy and strong…

...and real…

  
  


This time he didn't even have to do anything, or maybe because he had done so much that the people around him were already aware. The email he read made him laugh for a good minute before he settled down and replied.

  
  
  


Of course, he will see it once it comes out and of course, he will know.

But until to what extent would he understand?

Would he understand the yearning, the longing for that bright smile, and those clear eyes? 

Would he understand how much impact he had in the small space of his life, That he was willing to treasure everything that was about him or about them?

Of how much he loves —

Whether he would or not depends entirely on Bai Yu himself, for now, all he could do was continue working and hope that maybe someday he could speak out loud the words he had been screaming ever since:

He loves him.


End file.
